Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
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