good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
