My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
