two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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