can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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