I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
