I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
