There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
It's shark week go big or go home
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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