i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
