I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
