sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
