just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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