What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
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Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
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I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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