I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
