I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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