Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
