dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
