I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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