I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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