Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
