i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I did not marry a roomba.
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