I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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