Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Sober January is a disaster.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
