I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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