there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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