So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
