How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
