Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
me + whiskey = a bad person
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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