The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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