So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
