I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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