i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
