I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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