I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
