I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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