I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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