someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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