I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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