Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
