please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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