I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I think your dad took our porno
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Randomize
