im about as happy as oj after his trial
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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