Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
one might say we're banned from that church
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
