I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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