Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
