fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You smell like a Billy Joel song
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
