I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
