i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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