Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
