dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
