The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
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Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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