Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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