Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
